Wednesday, December 2, 2009

"And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." - Erica Jong

so duke went as well as could be expected. i always hate going there because they always make me feel so dumb. don't get me wrong, they are really nice and good doctors and all, but i mean...i know my body. apparently my random out-of-the blue complete meltdown had nothing to do with the fact that i JUST started my second round of medicine, which in the past, has done the EXACT SAME THING TO ME. i mean, i don't think it takes rocket science to put two and two together there, but i guess i'm not a doctor. regardless, my mother and i made the decision to just stop taking it. it wasn't something i HAD to be on, so it just wasn't worth it. i can't be having panic attacks and missing school all of the time. and they also told me that i have fibromyalgia. wtf? ok that makes sense.

on to real issues...

ED doesn't just damage your physical being, but your mental and social being as well. physically and mentally, i'm GREAT. however, i'm still lacking socially. i've never been one to throw myself into groups of people anyways, so getting back into the swing of things is especially hard for me. i was that kid who always had mom cover for me when i didn't want to sleep over at someone's house, and when i did go, i fell asleep first. i so desperately want a real friendship with someone, but it's so hard to just pick up and do right now. usually seniors in high school aren't exactly open to new relationships. to make it worse, the one person who i could call up anytime or walk down the street and hang out with has started dating a new guy. i was so happy for her, and it seemed like it was a positive thing. i even know the guy and he is really nice. unfortunately, he likes to smoke pot, and now she does too. every time i talk to her she pressures me to do it sometime with them, but i want nothing to do with it. and i'm not going to give into that just to have a friendship that obviously isn't going to go anywhere with everyone going to college next year. it's really frustrating living in such a small town, and everyone has their little groups they have been in for years. and i completely understand, because i've been there. no one wants to break out of their comfort zone and open up to anyone. no one wants that vulnerability and new obligation to a new person. it doesn't help that people just don't understand what i've been through, and some don't even know i had an ED; i was just the sick kid to them.

it was kind of ironic that, today in ap lit and comp, we were discussing a poem called The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot. its basically a story about a guy who had realized that his life had amounted to nothing because he had been pretending he was someone he wasn't by attending all of these fancy tea parties. he spends 2/3 of the poem debating whether or not to tell everyone that he isn't this person he comes off as being, to come out of his "comfort zone." in the end, he decides he was too afraid of the risk that nobody would like him anymore and kick him out. he calls himself worthless, and a fool...and there is nothing worse than being a fool and knowing it. he knows how the rest of his life is going to play out, but he is too afraid to change and do something about it. the last part says:

I do not think that they will sing to me. 125

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown 130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

it's funny how life gives you signs sometimes...i don't want to end up like j alfred prufrock, too scared to live, too scared to take risks. that's no way to live your from now on, i'm going to live. i'm going to be the old lindsey. i'm going to laugh, joke, and be there for people. i'm going to dance and sing. i want to soak in everything i can, before it's too late. after all, we only get one life, and i'm not going to die regretting the life i chose to live.

jammin' forealz.

ciao bella :)

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