"Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas." -Peg Bracken

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

i hope everyone had a wonderful day, i know i did!

"comfy toes":)



my brother's beloved xbox accessories



luggage for europe!



hmm...leg needs to be a little straighter...and yes that is a snuggie 2.0 ;)



the ninja! blender/food processor :))

my load.

galso buried in there were some towels and bowls for college, dark chocolate, rachael ray magazine, bath and body works stuff, sweater w/cami, two polos, pajama pants, a purple winter coat, my "snuggie", and a lady gaga cd! don't judge.

my dog somehow ended up in a box and couldn't get her back legs out...she walked around like that forever...it was hilarious :)

later on after brunch, i headed to jeff's house!

presh.

jeff and his niece, ruby, aka the cutest little girl in the world.

couples meditation? :)

our secret santa exchange involved bumpits...it was classy. excuse my overly chapped lips.

now i'm off to bed, because tomorrow i'm heading to pennsylvania for the week with jeff and his family! i feel like it's my family now, too, so i might as well just say the family :)

i'm looking forward to all of the blog reading i'll have to catch up on next saturday!

ciao bella

and to all a good night!

wow today went by really quickly...i feel like i just woke up. but i guess i did a few things today...christmas eve brunch, ping pong, baking, ping pong, ping pong, blog reading, ping pong, and seeing jeff and his family for a few minutes:) but seriously, my family got serious with the ponging today. we even had a bracket going. i'll let the pictures do that talking:

more dancing, eleanor! :)



of course, dad won.

thoroughly upset.

cookies made for jeff's dad...recipe here.

went to see jefffff.........yadayadayada...;) love youuu!

andd came back to opening present from my grandmother...now i love my grandma very much, but her presents are hilariously AWFUL. this year was no different :)

socks to keep your toes stretching and prevents corns!! what more could a girl ask for? :)

well, after all of that excitement, i think it's time to hit the hay...and drink lots of sleepytime tea (my favorite)

merry christmas!

ciao bella :)

name change

i've been doing some thinking and talking around and i think i want to change the name of my blog. as i'm getting over this ED thing, i don't want this to define who i am. yeah, i have dairy issues, but that's not what this blog is about, or what i want people to see me as. so i'm going to be doing some soul searching and trying to find a new name that defines me as a person.

loveeeeee everybody :)

ciao bella

wake up in the morning feelin' like p-diddy...

actually, i woke up feeling more like this:

i almost went back to sleep, but something was telling me i should stay up, and i'm glad i did...i had another eventful day, or at least one that kept me busy. i made a lovely breakfast of a peanut butter and banana wrap with a glass of lactaid, and then got to work doing some cleaning, baking, and laundry (oh yes i did.) i literally had NO clean clothes. not even a sock. i'm such a bum...

and then it was off to get my passport! i'm going with mi madre on our school's spring break trip to london and paris. oui, oui? :) i got my picture taken at walgreens and i forgot you couldn't smile. so my mug shot came out something like this:

yeah...

anyways.

got the pictures, stocked up on natural peanut butter and veggie cheese, you know normal people food :) by the time we made it to the courthouse to fill out paperwork and send off my passport information, i realized i had left my license at home. backtrack 2o miles, grab license, pee, and we were headed back to the courthouse. once we were in, we were informed that you have to purchase a special envelope from the post office now. great. but alas! there was a post office around the corner. a couple blocks and $5.60 later, we were back and finally got my passport stuff shipped out.

once we got home, i was put to more work and wrapped gifts and baked cookies...all these wonderful christmas things. oh and my dad bought a ping pong table? or should i say "table tennis" tomato, tomahto. despite the complete waste of money, i was happy to oblige and play with him :)

after this, it was more cookie baking time...which leads me to the p-diddy part of this blog. i may or may not have eaten copious amounts of cookie dough (smart balance butterrrrrr is god) and a chocolate vitamuffin. for those of you who didn't put two and two together, i just ate my weight in sugar. warning: what happens next is not for young children. in fact, no one should watch this. but here we go.

sadly, this was after i threw down to celine dion...and tim mcraw & faith hill. i'm sorry jeff if you don't want to be with me anymore after i put that on the internet :)

but this has me thinking...this blog is about me, obviously. it may not be filled with interesting adventures, or cool food, but it's who i am. for me, putting these stupid, random videos of me jamming in the kitchen isn't about wanting people to see it and like me and read this (obviously, or i would have NEVER put such horrendous dancing and singing and jumping in circles on here.) i made this blog to help get over my ED and to help my self-esteem. i may not have 398574 readers or followers, but that's not the point. i don't act like that all of the time, and i'm generally not an outgoing person. but i felt like acting stupid, and i did. completely comfortable in doing it, too. i'm proud of myself...i would have said something like that was ludicrous a few months ago. but that was just me with no rhythm, jumping around. i'm putting myself out there and not caring. i'm free and i love it :)

thank you to whoever may read this and thanks to blogger for letting me use this...i have come so far in a short amount of time, and i think this blog has played a role in it. it's like my own therapy...even if it's not a post used for venting, just sharing my daily chronicles lets me reflect on myself and how great my life truly is. so, thanks :)

ciao bella

i definitely wrote ciao balla first, and i kinda liked it :) maybe i'll switch it up from time to time? input on this matter?

wanted: pomegranate recipes?

i'm sorry to say that julie&julia didn't live up to my expectations...boo :(

in spite of that tragedy, i decided to hit the kitchen to make a quesadilla por mi padre! of course after that movie, he wanted about 5 tablespoons of butter used, but to each their own i suppose. my tummy was queasy at the sight of all that milky sloth. bleh.

something magical happened though: i stumbled upon a pomegranate! yumm. i decided to spend 23489302 hours de-seeding it, and it was totally worth it because now i have an entire container of pom arils.

oh the versatility...

which brings me to my question...does anybody have any good ideas for using these babies? they are good on their own, but i'd like to incorporate them into a nice recipe :)

ciao bella

these are the best days of our lives

today was one of the best days that i have had in a long time...i was up and at it from the start today. it was an early morning...9:34 to be exact :)...i had to get ready for lunch with jeff. it was finally the day to make him my "hippie food lunch." i was going to make stuffed shells with a tofu ricotta filling, but i really didn't feel like i could stomach it. i made myself a yogurt mess for breakfast (i don't even know what all was in it!) but it was crazy good. i went to get jeff around 12, and made veggie burger and roasted red pepper hummus pitas and green monsters! he "happily" obliged and ate every bit of it. pictures?

halfway there!



mission accomplished.

next up? YOGA! or the attempt...

aww puddin'. :)

this was followed by golf at the driving range which was a nice change of date...we must hit it up again. hahaha i crack myself up. we ran to the mall after to pick up a present for her sister (my secret santa) a wonderful weiner dog dressed like elvis was then purchased and we jetted. took him home, played some soccer, got stuck on his roof. it was quite an eventful day...i used a ladder for the first time, too :) but my day didn't stop there! i went to my friend's house to play more soccer with her and her boyfriend for awhile.

it's been a long, wonderful day, and now i'm sitting here watching julie&julia with my mom and dad. life doesn't get any better.

ciao bella

i did it...i lost my virginity!

GREEN MONSTER VIRGINITY!! bwhahaha...:) my blender finally decided to work!! miracles do happen!

it was every bit as awesome as i had read about. mine included a couple of handfuls of spinach, a cup of almond milk, a frozen banana, and 5 or 6 strawberries. i love how the specks of strawberries make it look festive.

christmas in a cup :)

in other news, i still don't feel very good from my little escapade saturday night. i really never want to see alcohol again. blehh.

i also spent two hours in wal-mart trying to get jeff's christmas present, but i finally have it in my hand; however, since he reads this blog (hi loser =]), i cannot divulge what i purchased. it's kind of an inside joke thing. very corny :) i also picked up some ingredients to make peppermint patties for his mom for christmas...it was the first thing on my list of things to bake in the next few days before...

I'M GOING TO PENNSYLVANIA!! woooooooo :) after all of that confusion and going back and forth, i'm finally going! i can't wait to play in the snow all day with jeff and his family.

time for some big bang theory!

ciao bella

beer before liquor...

wow i feel like i haven't written anything in forever! maybe because i haven't felt exactly like writing the past few days...

i guess i'm just a little irritated right now. i was originally going to georgia with my family for christmas, but my mother decided to stay home. i was excited because that meant i could go to pennsylvania with jeff, but as soon as i told him i could go, mom turned around and decided we were going again so i had to cancel. now she just told me we aren't going to georgia now. what the hell? i already felt like an ass telling jeff's family i was going last minute, then cancelling, i'm NOT making another big deal about it now. i guess i'll just stay home and everyone else can have fun...ughh.

sorry i had to vent that out...but other than tonight, this week has been wonderful! with maybe the exception of last night and this morning. i may or may not have gone to a party last night and had my first experience with alcohol. let me just say, i do not recall half of the nights events. i mean i had fun when i wasn't bad off, but i just don't see why people go drink all of the time and get drunk and throw up. it's not exactly fun and i'm still feeling it tonight. i did enjoy being around people i love and having a good time though. it's been awhile since i've been out with a bunch of people :)

back up a couple of days and i went to the gym to do this circuit workout. i figured it would just be an easy, quick workout. NOT. the twenty minute workout turned into seventy-five minutes. but i loved it! i accidentally doubled the amount of walking lunges and deadlifts though, and i think that's why i've had a hard time walking today. i just finished up polly's yoga for upper thighs video and it did magical things for my legs :) thanksssssss!

mom wants to go to the gym with me tomorrow to do that same workout, but i'm not sure my legs will be up to the task. i think i might stick with arms or something. anyone happen to know any good arm workouts?

alsoooooo on the mind, i'm making a very special "hippie-food" lunch (his name for my food) for jeff and i tuesday, and i'm trying to find something different to make that will amaze him :) we have golf on the schedule after that, and i'm super excited to see how that plays out bwhahaha.

time for me to hit the hayy! maybe i'll blog more than once a week from now on :)

ciao bella!

"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

i started writing a post last night...a rather angry one at that...concerning my mother and i. nothing ED related, but i was shaking i was so upset. i really don't feel like rehashing it again, but i figured i didn't want to put it up here for people to potentially see my dumb venting. this is, after all, an ED recovery blog...not stupid arguments blog :) toooooooo the food!

yep...i tried the infamous "oats in a jar." honestly, i figured it was hyped up to be something spectacular, but i didn't think it would be that amazing.....hahaha i was wrong :)

it was delicious. on a scale of 1-10 it was like a 10.456 :) i made up the normal pumpkin oats last night with:

-1/3 cup oatmeal
-1 cup water
~1/2 cup pumpkin
-cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger
-vanilla
-drizzle of maple syrup

soo this morning i put it in the jar and added some wheat germ and a few dark chocolate chips on top that got all melty and gooeyyyyyyyyy

:

...eventually...

off the food, i'm still beyond excited about college. i got my "official" acceptance letter in the mail today!

yeah...i changed my major already.

anyways, i'm off to finish up more calculus...joy to the worlddddddddd!

ciao bella :)

"only you can set you free"

not much to talk about today...life has been amazing lately :) time with the boyfriend, accepted to college...can't get much better than that! i feel like i'm finally getting past this stupid ED, and my life is going forward. a new chapter is about to begin, WITHOUT ED :)))

i've also been to the gym a couple of times, trying to get my energy back and its working! i feel so great!

so, here are a couple pictures to share:

post gym: 3 miles in 3o min. (intervals) and 30 min. strength training!



ruby tuesday :) salad bar, what whatttt!



lighting the tree with jeff!



jeff, me, and my "niece"...love it.

anyways...i'm off to a date with calculus! oh the joys of being a senior. but at least i can see college in my future now!!!!!!!!!! ahh i'm so excited :)

ciao bella :)

red and white?!

I GOT ACCEPTED TO N.C. STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



"the walking professor."

that is all :)

ciao bella!!!

"It is time for every one of us to roll up our sleeves and ut ourselves at the top of our commitment list." - Marian Wright Edelman

this morning started out kind of rushed (i woke up 20 minutes late!), but ended up having a pretty good day anyways. i had plans to go out with a couple of my friends this evening, but i have been a little apprehensive all day about it, and decided to cancel. i'm just not comfortable hanging out with them after they decided it was cool to smoke pot...sorry, its just not my thing.

i came home from school a little irritable, so i decided to hit up the gym, per doctor's orders. i was told to exercise at least 3x a week to keep my mood up and other unmentionables, but i just haven't. i figured today would be a good time to start, and i'm really glad that i did. i ran 30 minutes on the treadmill and did about 15 minutes of strength training. my treadmill run was in intervals (4.5 mph and 6.5 mph.) i think i ended up running around three miles or something like that. i felt AMAAAAAAZING afterwards. it has been so long since i have been allowed to have a decient work out, i forgot the feeling you get afterwards. it tends to magically make all of your troubles disapper :) however, during my run, i kept getting light-headed and i wasn't sweating even though i was tired and definitely getting a work out. anyone know why?? i mean, i feel fine so i'm not that worried, but i'm curious about it.

dinner tonight (so far, i've been munching) was a large sweet potato with cinnamon and peanut butter and some blue corn chips and hummus. deeeeeeeelicious :) jeff and i are definitely going to have to figure out meals when we live together because we are on opposite ends of the food spectrum :) i still love you regardless! :) and you will try hummus soon bwhahahhaaaaaaa.

and on the TMI side, i'm trying to figure out what is currently causing my digestive issues. it's just getting worse. fortunately, cutting dairy out has made most of the pain go away, but the bathroom problem is getting worse. i always have to make sure one is close by, or something awful could happen...and its starting to happen at school which is slightly embarrassing. if anyone happens to read this and maybe knows something that would help, i would loveeeee to hear something.

i'm turning in early tonighttttttt :) i'm starting to freak out about collegee! i'm supposed to get my decision from n.c. state tuesday night at 7 p.m.! :)

yep, that's me standing in the belltower.

ciao bella :)

"When you love your body, you are most able to share its pleasures with those who light your heart." - Huitaco

this will be a short post for three reasons:

1. THE FRINGE IS ON!!! a.k.a. greatest show to ever grace my television.
2. my parents are wandering tonight and i despise hovering.
3. i still haven't started that poetry explication i have been talking about for three days now.

gah the fringe is such a wonderful, crazy, you-have-to-be-a-freak-to-enjoy-it kind of show :) it's so out there i love it! and i'm not even a sci-fi kind of girl.

second, my parents do not know about this blog, nor do i intend on them finding out. it's nothing that i feel like i don't want them to know about me, but i would just rather have this as my own personal outlet to share my feelings and talk to people.

third...well...we shall see if it ever gets finished.

also, i had my last clinical today at our local "mental health home." i have been doing physical therapy for my clinicals, and i absolutely love it! i really didn't think i would enjoy working with people with disorders, but i love it and i don't want to leave. i stayed a little longer than i was scheduled today so i could talk to my supervisor about different things, and he really made me realize that people like me for me and not for what i look like. they like me for who i am. he told me that i was the first student he had ever had that would look him in the eye, have a real conversation with him, take an interest in what he had to say, cared for the patients, wanted to learn, and just HAD FUN. i was really taken back by what he said, and it completely made my day/week.

all in all, it has been a great day! must have been those apple cider oats that made it wonderful, right? :)

wish me luck on my paper! i'm not an english major by any means!

jeff and i at the aforementioned rise against concert! thankfully someone else thought to bring their camera :)

ciao bella :)

an apple a day?

i just felt like posting this breakfast i'm eating. it's so gooddddddddddddddddddd gah :)

apple cider oats?

-1/3 c oats
-1 cups water (cook in apple cider tea flavored water. i used bigalow's apple cider tea.)
-1 small chopped apple
-maple syrup
-spoonful of pumpkin
-teaspoon of vanilla
-cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger
-drizzle of peanut butter

cook the oats in 1 cup water over medium heat. it won't look thick at all, but add chopped apple, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, pumpkin, and maple syrup. cook until it thickens up some, but it will still look a little runny. refrigerate overnight, heat up in the morning, and drizzle peanut butter over it. i'm in heaven :)

have a wonderful day all!

ciao bella :)

"The rose is fairest when 'tis budding new, and hope is brightest when it dawns from fears." -Walter Scott

tonight was lovely :) i went out to eat with jeff, but halfway there he told me he left his wallet at home, so we had to turn around. little did i know, he was surprising me with a visit to my one and only/favorite "niece!" i love ruby so much, and she was extra cute tonight. after spending lots of time there getting quality ruby time, we went to eat at ham's. i think it is more of a local restaurant, but i think it of sort of like applebee's. it's got a little bit of everything. i wasn't overly hungry, so i ordered the grilled chicken salad, minus the cheese, with balsamic vinaigrette. it wass really good. i guess i have a thing for simple dishes :) the reason i wasn't too hungry might have had something to do with the fact that i finished off a jar of peanut butter with my yogurt snack an hour beforehand...:)

after food, we headed to target to find some christmas items for the boy i "adopted" for my HOSA (health occupation students of america) project. we spent way too much time screwing around in there...i wish i had pictures but they are on my phone! i really need to start using my camera more often. after an hour or so, we managed to come out with a pair of pants, a winter coat, two shirts, and a medium-sized toy car. unfortunately, i had to drop him off at his house after that and come home...boo.

so i think i'm menopausal. i'm having a MAJOR hotflash at the moment. as in it just came on as i'm typing this. and i'm sweating...this girl is NOT used to being hot. i'm usually cold, so i'm not sure what to do about this :) anyways...

today was another reminder of how far i have come since this time last year. this time last year, my max fat intake was upwards of 10g. i probably had 4x that just in peanut butter alone today. fat is such a beautiful thing. pretend that doesn't sound ridiculous. people are so scared of it because they think it will make them fat, but it only will if you eat too much of it just like anything else: carbs, protein, even vegetables! it's all about balance and moderation, and of course, the right fats. fats do so many great things for you! the list goes on and on, but here are a few things:

1. regulates body functions
2. absorbs fat soluble vitamins D, E, and K
3. growth
4. healthy skin
5. satiety value is high (keeps you fuller longer)
   
6. it satisfies you
7. your heart and brain need it to function!
8. helps memory

eating such little fat for that long period of time did horrible things to my body and mind! some examples would be:

1. memory loss
2. hair loss
3. dry skin
4. irritability and anger
5. stress and anxiety
6. zero energy
7. pale complexion (more than my usual)

i also had troubles sleeping, but i'm not sure if that connection is there. the point is that fat is an important part of your diet, and it's not something to avoid. i'm sick of hearing about low-fat this low-carb this. it's not about depriving yourself of ANY nutrient. to have optimal function, your body has to have a balance of everything it needs!

rant over :)

but today, i ate a lot of healthy fats. tons of peanut butter, bread with seeds in it, full fat "cheese", balsamic vinaigrette, and crushed pecans on an apple crisp (if you want to call that healthy) :) it amazes me what i can do every single day. my life is so much better now that food is not my life. i mean, obviously i still love it! i don't think that will ever go away. the point is that i love it in a positive way. i don't see food as a negative thing, or something to be scared of and stress over. food=fuel. and tasty fuel at that.

well, i'm off to bed hopefully. or maybe i'll actually do my poetry explication tonight. we'll see how it goes.

ciao bella :)

"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." - Rita Mae Brown

i really don't have that much to talk about, but i just feel like i should post something again. i guess not too much has been going on...

EXCEPT THE RISE AGAINST CONCERT!!?!?!?!

it was the most fun thing i can remember doing in a long time. i guess jumping up and down and screaming at the top of your lungs for 3 hours makes you happy :) not to mention, it was my birthday present from jeff! thankssssssssss jeffrey :) unfortunately, all of my pictures are on my phone. but here is the band for shits and giggles...

it also snowed this weekend! but it was only in richmond where the concert was, so it wasn't here when i got back home :(

i also was informed that i will have TWO more "nieces and/or nephews" next summer! two of jeff's sisters are preggo and i'm excited beyond words!! though i love ruby (jeff's niece) very much, i can't wait for even more bebes :))

this week has also been good for ED...i really haven't been concerned about food at all or had man bad thoughts. i have had extremely bad stomach pains for the past two days though. i had to leave calculus yesterday so i could cry it hurt so bad. the doctors just said i have IBS, and i've eliminated dairy from my diet, but i think something else is bothering me too. i told my mom that i can't deal with that kind of pain. so we'll see what happens with that...but i did break down a little saturday night, but it wasn't because i'm upset about my weight or anything. honestly, i'm scared about this new life that i am coming into minus ED. it's like my life has been split into parts: pre-ED, ED, and post-ED. i'm not trying to say at all that i'm hanging onto ED, but it takes a lot of courage to move on into the unknown without that crutch. i don't know what's going to happen with my life, but i'm ready to find out. i know it is intimidating, but a few years from now, i'll be out of college or in grad school, having a wonderful life. because of this, i've decided that i'm going to live in the moment, and brave out these first few steps into "normalcy." God never gives you anything you can't handle, and everything happens for a reason. for some reason, this happened to me, and i'm going to take it and learn from it. i will have a happy life, and i will have a family some day. period. :) [no pun intended]

on the topic of food, i've pretty much been living off of a few items that i can't seem to get enough of:

• apples (preferably gala or braeburn) doused in cinnamon and dipped in better than peanut butter...yes i know it's "diet peanut butter", but regular peanut butter is just too rich for me to dip in enormous amounts at one time. i still use regular pb in everything else. skippy's natural all the way :)
• oiko's 0% vanilla greek yogurt mixed with pumpkin, maple syrup, cinnamon, dashes of nutmeg and ginger, and whatever topping i feel like (peanut butter, dark chocolate chips, or kashi go lean cereal for crunch)
• tribe roasted red pepper hummus slathered on la tortilla wraps with cucumer, shredded carrots, and spinach. sometimes turkey or a morning star veggie burger added in for protein.
  
• copious amounts of hot tea :) most likely to be found in my mug-green tea, gingerbread spice, rooibos, and harney & son's hot cinnamon spice, aka the best drink to grace my mouth. seriously, if you love someone, buy them this stuff today.

ok so i just realized i have a serious cinnamon addiction i might need to get checked out...i literally put it almost in everything i eatt :)

anyways, it's time to bury my face in some poetry and explicate it in the form of a two page paper!! it's almost as exciting as listening to tiger woods drama on the news. no joke.

so for now......

ciao bella :)

when life gives you lemons...

make lemon pie, duh.

i knew it was going to be a good day when i woke up late and STILL did not freak out :) i hate mornings, so that was a definite good sign. school even went well today. i was happy and social with people, and i found my calculus test to be quite easy. thank ya jesus. better yet, i only have to go to one class tomorrow because i have a field trip for ap lit and comp to help out with the special olympics! and as soon as that is over, my butt is jetting to raleigh to meet up with jeffrey so we can head up to virginia for the rise against concert! i'm so excited...it's his birthday present to me :) they aren't exactly the most popular band, but they are actually really good and have good causes.

when i went to duke tuesday, the doctor also told me i actually HAD to exercise at least 3 days a week. it was funny to hear that! since my weight is in the "healthy" range now, and i've shown i can keep it up, i've got the ok to work out some to keep myself happier and healthier.

soo today i decided to take myself to the gym and actually do it. i did 30 minutes of strength training, full circuit. then i did 30 minutes of "cardio" if you want to call it that. regardless, it felt GREAT. i'm not in the best of shape, but just letting go of that stress felt amazing. i went to yoga later that night. it was really fun because i was the only one there! we did amazingg stretches you can't normally do in a class full of people and talked for a long time about me playing soccer and things.

i haven't felt so relaxed and refreshed in such a long time. to go from basically completely sedentary to working out gives you such a high on life almost. i guess they call that the runners high or something :) but today really reminded me of why i need to keep this up, and more importantly, want to keep this up. the list could go on forever, but here are just a few things that have come from a healthy lifestyle:

1. happiness
2. energy
3. less stress and anxiety
   
4. better eh...physiological functions
5. better complexion
6. my clothes fit
7. my hair is growing and not falling out
8. people don't make comments about me being sick
9. no one is worried about my heart rate or blood pressure
10. my blood sugar is normal (mostly)
    
11. less drama with my family
12. AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND :)
13. i just feel better. period.

always remember that no matter what ED tells you, you are better off without it. you weren't born with it, and you don't need it! when it gets you down, remember how wonderful your life was pre-ED and think about your future. it really puts things into perspective.

for now, i'm going to continue living my life and enjoy my weekend with my boyfraand.

ciao bella :)

"And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." - Erica Jong

so duke went as well as could be expected. i always hate going there because they always make me feel so dumb. don't get me wrong, they are really nice and good doctors and all, but i mean...i know my body. apparently my random out-of-the blue complete meltdown had nothing to do with the fact that i JUST started my second round of medicine, which in the past, has done the EXACT SAME THING TO ME. i mean, i don't think it takes rocket science to put two and two together there, but i guess i'm not a doctor. regardless, my mother and i made the decision to just stop taking it. it wasn't something i HAD to be on, so it just wasn't worth it. i can't be having panic attacks and missing school all of the time. and they also told me that i have fibromyalgia. wtf? ok that makes sense.

on to real issues...

ED doesn't just damage your physical being, but your mental and social being as well. physically and mentally, i'm GREAT. however, i'm still lacking socially. i've never been one to throw myself into groups of people anyways, so getting back into the swing of things is especially hard for me. i was that kid who always had mom cover for me when i didn't want to sleep over at someone's house, and when i did go, i fell asleep first. i so desperately want a real friendship with someone, but it's so hard to just pick up and do right now. usually seniors in high school aren't exactly open to new relationships. to make it worse, the one person who i could call up anytime or walk down the street and hang out with has started dating a new guy. i was so happy for her, and it seemed like it was a positive thing. i even know the guy and he is really nice. unfortunately, he likes to smoke pot, and now she does too. every time i talk to her she pressures me to do it sometime with them, but i want nothing to do with it. and i'm not going to give into that just to have a friendship that obviously isn't going to go anywhere with everyone going to college next year. it's really frustrating living in such a small town, and everyone has their little groups they have been in for years. and i completely understand, because i've been there. no one wants to break out of their comfort zone and open up to anyone. no one wants that vulnerability and new obligation to a new person. it doesn't help that people just don't understand what i've been through, and some don't even know i had an ED; i was just the sick kid to them.

it was kind of ironic that, today in ap lit and comp, we were discussing a poem called The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot. its basically a story about a guy who had realized that his life had amounted to nothing because he had been pretending he was someone he wasn't by attending all of these fancy tea parties. he spends 2/3 of the poem debating whether or not to tell everyone that he isn't this person he comes off as being, to come out of his "comfort zone." in the end, he decides he was too afraid of the risk that nobody would like him anymore and kick him out. he calls himself worthless, and a fool...and there is nothing worse than being a fool and knowing it. he knows how the rest of his life is going to play out, but he is too afraid to change and do something about it. the last part says:

I do not think that they will sing to me.	125
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown	130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown. it's funny how life gives you signs sometimes...i don't want to end up like j alfred prufrock, too scared to live, too scared to take risks. that's no way to live your life...so from now on, i'm going to live. i'm going to be the old lindsey. i'm going to laugh, joke, and be there for people. i'm going to dance and sing. i want to soak in everything i can, before it's too late. after all, we only get one life, and i'm not going to die regretting the life i chose to live. jammin' forealz.

ciao bella :)

medical cocktails.

ga;lkjsdf;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I HATEEEEEEEEE MEDICINE. i'm done with it. the combination i began taking when my ED started made me the way i was, and now they put me on it again?! i can feel myself reverting back to my old ways...emotionally at least. and the sickness. i just don't feel like myself. and i'm beginning to stop myself when i reach for something i "shouldn't be eating." how could all of this happen in about two days?! just a couple of days ago i wanted to wear a shirt that said "I'M AT MY HEALTHY WEIGHT...WHAT NOW BEEOTCHH!?" now i'm just feeling depressed. mom looked it up on the internet, and apparently this concoction of medicines has shown to have badd side-effects. thank you brilliant doctors. thankfully, i have my monthly doctor's appointment tomorrow at duke, and maybe they can shed some light on my situation.

sorry for my tirade. \

"Go within everyday and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out." - Katherine Dunham

so this could be a long or short rant, i really don't know yet...but here it goes...

so lately, i've been KILLLLLLLLLLLLIN' ED...i mean kicking major butt. i've gained a lot of weight, and i finally have a healthy bmi. i ate my heart out at thanksgiving, and i have been eating a lot more in general these days. not just "healthy" foods, but whatever i'm craving at the time. i look at myself in the mirror and love myself...i'm getting my booty back!! i'm finally starting to fill out a woman's body that i have missed for so long (except the boobs, i'm cool with mine, or lack thereof.) not to mention all of the positive attention i have been getting from everyone...my mom and dad are so proud, but my dad was still pushing me to gain more, and my boyfriend is finally able to have a real relationship with his girlfriend. stupid me, depriving him of that for so long...ED can be a very selfish thing. but anyways, today i came home sick from school. i just started my second round of medicine, and i think it makes me sick. i have a fever too though, so who knows. but i came home and slept until 1, and probably would have slept later, but jeff called and woke me up. i'm glad he did though, i might have slept the day away.

getting to the point of this story, ED thoughts were creepin' back today. truly and honestly, i have been COMPLETELY FREE for the past few weeks, and i was fine today until it was brought up twice...maybe it was triggering, i don't know.

first, when jeff called, he said he was worried about me because the last time i was sick and mopey all the time, i was hiding ED from everybody. don't get me wrong, he has EVERY RIGHT to question this, because i told him some time ago to watch out for the warning signs of relapsing. i wasn't mad at him by any means, but i was aggravated that simply not feeling well translates into ED for everyone because of my past...

second, i was irritated that i wasn't feeling well, and since i've been a little moody, i told mom i hated my medicine, and i wanted off of it. her response? "you don't want off your medicine because it makes you feel bad and irritable. you just don't like it because it makes you eat a lot, and you think you'll get fat." eek. WRONG THING TO SAY MOM. i mean, seriously...maybe people just don't understand unless you have been there and done that. i just think sometimes things slip out of people's mouths and they don't realize the effect that it has on that person. a week ago or so, my dad jokingly told me i was getting fat because my old jeans were ripping at the button (they have always been that way.) to make it worse, jeff was sitting right there, knowing it upset me.

thankfully, i'm strong enough now to fight these ED thoughts. i didn't eat much of a dinner because i still don't feel all the great, but i made some awesome cookies earlier because i was tired of sitting around...link to them -->here<-- i was laying here on the couch, not particularly hungry, but i kind of wanted one, even though i had had one earlier with "dinner." something odd happened though, and a familiar little voice told me that it wasn't ok, and that i have been sitting around all day and didn't deserve it. i was furious. i worked so hard to make that go away, and with all the talk about it recently, i've found her creeping back into my brain, and i'm fighting it to go away tonight. i did eat that cookie, and i'm fighting my ED thoughts away. i'm not worried about relapsing by any means, but it's just annoying that little things like today just bring up demons that you thought you had destroyed. no worries though, they will be taken care of, without violence of course ;)

moral of the story, PLEASEEEEEE watch what you say to others, and think about the impact the words you are saying will have on the person you are talking to. and jeff, if you read this, this doesn't apply to you! promise love :)

now, i'm going to focus on my future dreams of becoming that happy, plump lady that bakes the most delectable goods for everybody, and brings joy to all :)

buttah anybody?

ok, hopefully i will have developed some tolerance to dary products. until then, maybe i'll make myself a back up plan of non-dairy goods.

me being the non-dairy baking fool i am. i obviously chose the most flattering picture of myself...

i jest, i jest. that was soon slathered with cream cheese. a big no-no in my book...but it was for a very special person's wedding, so it was a-ok :)

alright, i think it's time to shower and sit on my booty some moreeeee! i NEED to go to school tomorrow, before i fail my senior year on days.

i'll leave whoever happens to stumble upon this with one of my favorite quotes...

"I must learn to love the fool in me — the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility and dignity but for my fool."
~ Dr Theodore I Rubin

muchh love,

lindsey