Monday, November 9, 2009

to my favorite person in the entire world...

jeff: if you're reading this, this one's for you...

first of all, i never told you about this blog because i feel weak. i wanted you to see me as a stong person, somekind of superhero that could beat this all on her own. i was wrong, and i apologize.

you are my hero for everything you have done for me. for almost half of our time together, i have been in a constant struggle with myself, whether you knew it at the time or not. i'm pretty sure you could see through my lies...

i don't remember the exact day i actually came out and told you that i had an eating disorder, but i know it still hurts today, and i'm sure you still feel it too. you were always there during my constant ups and downs, holding my hand through it all. even when we decided to try to let me fix things on my own, knowing i was on your mind helped me get through the day. i still can't believe that you are still here today, by my side. you never fail to make me question my unconditional love for you...your laugh, your smile, your jokes...i need that in my life. YOU are MY sunshine...

this weekend meant a lot for me. yes, i am "recovered" from my disorder for the most part; however, those emtotions still run deep through me and hurt me every single second of the day. i still have disordered thoughts, but i need you to know that i am strong enough now to ignore them. especially when i am with you. when you're by my side, i let my inhibitions go, and i live life. you might not see that on the outside yet, but my inside is soaking up life.

you know me, and how i tend to cover up my feelings until they are intolerable. for this, i'm sorry. i'm strong as hell, but i am not strong enough to completely confront this monster on my own. my breakdown this weekend lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders, but unfortunately, it landed right on top of yours. it also showed me that sometimes you have to make yourself vulnerable first in order to regain your strength. i'm sorry you had to hear all of that, and i know it hurts you, but you needed to hear what an ED really does to you, physically AND mentally. and i needed to let some of it go...

so basically, all i wanted to say was:

thank you.

really, i don't think i will ever be able to express how grateful i am for you. you have, and always will be, my one and only beeotch :)




i love you mosterosterosterosterosterosterosterest!

ciao bella =]]



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