"Go within everyday and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out." - Katherine Dunham

so this could be a long or short rant, i really don't know yet...but here it goes...

so lately, i've been KILLLLLLLLLLLLIN' ED...i mean kicking major butt. i've gained a lot of weight, and i finally have a healthy bmi. i ate my heart out at thanksgiving, and i have been eating a lot more in general these days. not just "healthy" foods, but whatever i'm craving at the time. i look at myself in the mirror and love myself...i'm getting my booty back!! i'm finally starting to fill out a woman's body that i have missed for so long (except the boobs, i'm cool with mine, or lack thereof.) not to mention all of the positive attention i have been getting from everyone...my mom and dad are so proud, but my dad was still pushing me to gain more, and my boyfriend is finally able to have a real relationship with his girlfriend. stupid me, depriving him of that for so long...ED can be a very selfish thing. but anyways, today i came home sick from school. i just started my second round of medicine, and i think it makes me sick. i have a fever too though, so who knows. but i came home and slept until 1, and probably would have slept later, but jeff called and woke me up. i'm glad he did though, i might have slept the day away.

getting to the point of this story, ED thoughts were creepin' back today. truly and honestly, i have been COMPLETELY FREE for the past few weeks, and i was fine today until it was brought up twice...maybe it was triggering, i don't know.

first, when jeff called, he said he was worried about me because the last time i was sick and mopey all the time, i was hiding ED from everybody. don't get me wrong, he has EVERY RIGHT to question this, because i told him some time ago to watch out for the warning signs of relapsing. i wasn't mad at him by any means, but i was aggravated that simply not feeling well translates into ED for everyone because of my past...

second, i was irritated that i wasn't feeling well, and since i've been a little moody, i told mom i hated my medicine, and i wanted off of it. her response? "you don't want off your medicine because it makes you feel bad and irritable. you just don't like it because it makes you eat a lot, and you think you'll get fat." eek. WRONG THING TO SAY MOM. i mean, seriously...maybe people just don't understand unless you have been there and done that. i just think sometimes things slip out of people's mouths and they don't realize the effect that it has on that person. a week ago or so, my dad jokingly told me i was getting fat because my old jeans were ripping at the button (they have always been that way.) to make it worse, jeff was sitting right there, knowing it upset me.

thankfully, i'm strong enough now to fight these ED thoughts. i didn't eat much of a dinner because i still don't feel all the great, but i made some awesome cookies earlier because i was tired of sitting around...link to them -->here<-- i was laying here on the couch, not particularly hungry, but i kind of wanted one, even though i had had one earlier with "dinner." something odd happened though, and a familiar little voice told me that it wasn't ok, and that i have been sitting around all day and didn't deserve it. i was furious. i worked so hard to make that go away, and with all the talk about it recently, i've found her creeping back into my brain, and i'm fighting it to go away tonight. i did eat that cookie, and i'm fighting my ED thoughts away. i'm not worried about relapsing by any means, but it's just annoying that little things like today just bring up demons that you thought you had destroyed. no worries though, they will be taken care of, without violence of course ;)

moral of the story, PLEASEEEEEE watch what you say to others, and think about the impact the words you are saying will have on the person you are talking to. and jeff, if you read this, this doesn't apply to you! promise love :)

now, i'm going to focus on my future dreams of becoming that happy, plump lady that bakes the most delectable goods for everybody, and brings joy to all :)

buttah anybody?

ok, hopefully i will have developed some tolerance to dary products. until then, maybe i'll make myself a back up plan of non-dairy goods.

me being the non-dairy baking fool i am. i obviously chose the most flattering picture of myself...

i jest, i jest. that was soon slathered with cream cheese. a big no-no in my book...but it was for a very special person's wedding, so it was a-ok :)

alright, i think it's time to shower and sit on my booty some moreeeee! i NEED to go to school tomorrow, before i fail my senior year on days.

i'll leave whoever happens to stumble upon this with one of my favorite quotes...

"I must learn to love the fool in me — the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility and dignity but for my fool."
~ Dr Theodore I Rubin

muchh love,

lindsey