wanted: recipe for weight gain.

Hey all. I had my monthly check-up and Duke today, and overall, it was a pretty good visit. We talked about my food intake and how i'm feeling about it, and they are proud of my progress! Unfortunately, i've managed to lose weight since my last check-up. I still have NO idea how because I eat so much before i go to bed every night...maybe i'm not doing this right...PLEASEE I NEED SUGGESTIONS FOR HEALTHY WEIGHT GAIN!! apparently, i'm going about it wrong :(

on a funnier note, my nose IS broken and i have a concussion. woo!! at least it doesn't look too bad. my boyfriend won't shut up about it though. apparently headbutting a chair and knocking yourself out wasn't one of my best moments :)

i went jean shopping for the first time since my weight loss/weight gaining process...i'm so excited that i finally got some jeans that aren't so baggy. i'm so tired of hiding my body under huge clothes! i am proud of my body, and i'm a beautiful girl...i've come to realize that there is no need to hide myself anymore, because i'm better than that. ED will not keep me from being classssssay :) so, i made a promise to myself that i would only wear those clothes when i'm just feeling like dressing down, and NOT because i don't want to be told "you're too skinny" all day and have to defend myself. helllo skinny jeans :)

mmmm....i smell food...



breakfast=captain crunch+lactaid+banana+diet vernors







ahh vernors...it brings back a lot of childhood memories. i was born in michigan, and this is, by-far, the most popular drink in my hometown. i don't exactly know what makes it so much better than other ginger ales, but its like liquid awesomeness.

[maybe the claim that it's barrel-aged for lie 3 years is actually working :)]

lunch was just some of my grandmother's homemade vegetable soup and beef jerkey...
is that really gross to you? everyone thinks i'm crazy for liking it...

for dinner, my mom and i met my boyfriend and his sister at a bar in raleigh. i had a dagwood sandwich (grilled ham, turkey, pepperoni, onions, and green peppers w/lettuce, tomato, and onion on a kaiser roll...no cheese or mayo) and onion rings slathered in ketchup.

lindsey to french fries:
"i'm gonna let you finish, but onion rings are the best side of all time, OF ALL TIME!"

when i got back home, i got a shower and such and facebook stalked...the norm. i think i'm going to go nom on a pb fiber one bar and some milk minus lactose. what's your favorite bedtime snack? :)

ciao bella!

nasal fracture?

Last night this morning was quite interesting. i quite possibly have a broken nose, thank you random chair in the closet. maybe i'm just accident-prone, but the incident went a little something like this:

1 o' clock in the morning+freezing cold+no blanket=needs a blanket.
in order to get said blanket:
i stumbled off the couch and felt my way to the closet, where the blanket it ALWAYS on the floor.
however!
pitch black+stumbling, sleepy confusion=accident waiting to happen

i proceeded to open the closet door and reach down for the blanket, only to be met by a monstrous wooden chair. dum dum dummmmmmmm.

next thing i know, i was flat on my back with a possibly broken nose.
scary right? could happen to anyone!
moral of the story: watch out for those chairs, cause they'll getcha.

anyway, here are some pictures...i'm actually already healed up alot. i'm just good like that :)

only slightly bruised, little crooked. no biggy :)

shit happens.
BACK TO FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

so, i started my lovely monday morning with a bowl of special k protein with a sliced nanner on top...

actually, i had this plus another bowl of just the cereal. i was a hungrayy gurl.



no lactose for me, pwease.

lunch was just my leftovers from din-din last night...rotini with sauce, beef, corn, parsley, and red peppa flakes :) nom nom nom...

let's see...not much excited happeneddd today. i got kinda nauseated at the end of the school day, but a diet mt. dew seemed to make me happier :) i also made a wally world trip!! i swear i'm there every single day. but this time, i had to get things for my medical science class because we start out clinicals tomorrow! i have a doctor's appointment at duke, so my first day will be wednesday. i'll be shadowing a physical therapist some days, and other days i'll be with a dietician. woot woot!

let's see...dinnnnnner time! twas simple because no one was home...

from left->right...craka's with salsa, baby greens salad mix with strawburry vinagrette and FRESH TOMATOS!, and my stand-by/never-gets-old turkey sandwich on whole wheat.

i have never had fresh tomatos before! they actually do taste so much better...



the quintessential sandwich.

after dinner, i had a chocolate salt-water taffy. delicious, of course. i'm sure that i'll have something else before bed, like i always do, but i really need to finish my wuthering heights paper...oh the joys of ap literature and composition...

goodnight all...ciao bella :)

for the third time today...

third blog of the day...i know i'm lame.

BUT! i'm having the most delicious 10:40 snack a girl can have: a fitnessista bf cookie! i decided to make one yesterday for the first time...holy yummmmmmmmmmm.

maybe i'm getting better at this picture thing? or maybe it just looks as good as it twasss.

(discovery of digital macro?)

-1/3 cup oats
-1/8 cup lactaid
-1 tbsp pb&co. dark chocolate pb :)
-1 tsp. sweetener
-lotssssssa cinnamon.

it was awesome.

I THREW IT ON THE GROUND!

I'M NOT A PART OF YOUR SYSTEM! hahahaa...i love saturday night live. watch the video. now.

so, lunch went spectacular today. i ate every bit of that taco salad AND one of my beloved tootsie roll pops. cherry deliciousness :)

i came home and was absolutely starving for some reason? i ended up tearing upp a bag of tortilla chips and salsa (don't ever leave me alone with a bag of those babies.) then i was craving a little sumthin' sweet...i went for a peanut butter fiber one bar. i'm addicted to those things, but i'm sticking with the oats and chocolate as my fav. not for the feint colon-ed though, i might add. nonetheless, it's better than a chocolate bar. yeah, i said it.

since i was sick for two days and didn't leave the house, i managed to sneak out at some point and get an iced coffee from mickey d's. A;LSDKJFLDKF; addiction. someone send me to rehab now. "yes i'd like a SUGAR-FREE VANILLA ICED COFFEE WITH NO CREAM...yes, no cream. yeah that's correct. no, i'm not kidding, thanks." people in this little southern small town are so weird sometimes. i mean, maybe i don't like cream, or maybe i have an allergy? just make the coffee how i said i wanted it. i mean it's actually taking one step out of the normal process, so i'm actually making your job easier. kthanks.

sorry, i just get aggravated because it happens everyyyy singleeeeeeeeee timeeeeeeeeeeeee. moving on :)

i'm still full from that snack earlier, so i don't know what dinner will end up being...mom made a scrumptious looking lasagna, but sadly, i can't eat it. I HATE BEING LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

i never really had a problem until ED came along. ED's really can do a lot of damage to your body, and you're only hurting yourself by depriving your body of the nutrients and energy it needs to function. in my case, i ended up with lactose intolerance, acid reflux, and ibs. it's a wonderful consequence, but i hope i will outgrow it one day. until then, i'll just continue to fantasize about my future cheese-orgies. nommmmmmmmmmmm. love it.

however, mom understands, so she let me take some of the meat out for myself to make something with later. i was feeling especially resourceful today, so i scrounged up some pasta, parsley, red pepper flakes, and good ol' fake cheese and made some baked spaghetti. caution: my food photography skills are way lacking, but it went a little something like this...

rotini pasta? check. cooked al dente? duh.

mmm...lean beef mixture and "mozzarella" cheese, for us lactose ignant folks.



not too shabby.

end result after 20 glorious minutes in the oven?



sorry, homegirl here got a little excited and put some away for lunchie.
oh, and a little corn never hurt anyone :)

sorry again for the poor picture quality, i'm still working a few kinks out with this blog thing. i'm sure i'll get the hang of it someday...

now i'm off to shower up, and sit down to read 5 chapters of the worsttt book i have ever read in my live: WUTHERING HEIGHTS. is that even a word? i don't even care, it's ridiculous. i may be slightly biased, as i doooooooo love me someeeeee math :)

I WISH I WAS YOUR DERIVATIVE SO I COULD BE TANGENT TO YOUR CURVES!

ON THAT NOTE...

buenos noches all.

ciao bella :)

top o' the mornin' to ya!

what a dreary morning here in NC...boo that. and i just got to clean up bella's poop of the day.

thanks bell.

on a slightly more positive note, i am getting ready to head over to my boyfriend's house for sunday lunch! his beautiful niece (she's about 19 months already!) will be attending, and i'm super stoked to see her. however, they will be having taco salad for lunch, which is obviously quite fattening. now, most of me doesn't care about this because i'm not concerned about going over there for food alone...i'm going to see his family. unfortunately, there is still that little ED part of me that i can't seem to get to quite go away that says i should say i'm still sick and i can't go, although i know that would be the absolute WORST thing to do. so, i'm going to brave it out, and go anyways. maybe i'll take a picture of my emp-tay plate for ya'll. i've lived the the south for eleven years, and STILL can't bring myself to say ya'll. i think i'll always be a yankee at heart!

if anyone is reading this, please feel free to leave me any advice you might have or stories you would like to share...anything would help :(

i know i consider myself to be "recovered," but i don't really see a nutritionist because it's too expensive, and i'm trying really hard to do this on my own. but i think i may need some extra support: enter blogging community.

well, that's my spiel of the morning peeps.

ciao bella :)

laaaaazy daiye.

yeahh so i have a slight obsession with zoolander.
N-E-WHO...

soo my halloween went down the drain this year, thank you seasonal flu. i drive all the way up to raleigh so my boo and i could go to a party as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. yeah, you're jealous. unfortunately, there was a peanut butter recall, and i was unable to attend :( the end result was me, sitting at home on the couch complete with laptop in hand and college football on the television. did i mention i LOVE the Michigan Wolverines. GO BLUE! not to mention the N.C. State Wolfpack and the Pittsburgh Steelers. i live such a complicated life...

i guess my sickness/laziness led me to blog surf all day, which led me to create this blog. for the past couple years, i battled with an eating disorder. at first, like many other things, it started out innocently. i was an avid runner and a forward on my high school's varsity soccer team. at 13o pounds and 5'7'', i was a healthy and active fifteen-year-old. it began by coming home every night after soccer and running thirty minutes on the treadmill. slowly, this turned into the 30 minute cardio session, plus an ab workout, squats, andd pretty much anything else i could do to torch some calories. not to mention this was all after soccer practices and games. oh, and add no dinner to that, a turkey sandwich with mustard for lunch, and fat-free 100 calorie yogurts for breakfast? yeah, it wasn't pretty. losing my period was the first give-away. my mom took me to doctors who told me to gain weight. i denied any eating problems, and protested that i was just looking my "baby weight." i was even taken to a nutritionist, despite my claims of normal eating habits, and i was placed on a 2500 calorie diet. it took me awhile to work up to this, but i ACTUALLY DID IT. after gaining about 5 pounds, i seemed to have hit a standstill, and i stopped. it wasn't making my period come back, so why continue? i went back to my anorexic ways, and kept losing more weight. for months on end, i continued to deny anything was wrong. i was moody, emotional, period-less, and fragile. i looked a mess. but something inside me told me i could look "better," if i just could eat less fat. so, my fat intake DRASTICALLY increased. i mean, 2g of fat scared me. it was like, if i ate it, there would be instantaneous 50 pounds added to my thighs. so down went my body fat, to around six percent. months went on, same old same old, yadayadayada...i'll spare you my ups and downs. somewhere around april 2009, i finally broke down and confessed my oh-so-obviously eating disorder. that same month, i had to have TMJ surgery, and couldn't eat much at all for about two weeks. needless to say, i lost even more weight. i was taken to duke's eating disorder program, where i attended weekly therapy sessions all summer long. it took a long time, but i am, FOR THE MOST PART, recovered. i know they say you can never fully recover from and ED, but I am making it my mission to prove them wrong. i still go to duke once a month for check-ups and weigh-ins to monitor my progess, and to catch any regression before it gets too bad. i'm so thankful for everyone in my life who has supported me though this, and i'm sorry for hurting everyone i love along the way. but i have the rest of my life to make it up to them, and MYSELF, for missing out on some of the best times of my life. and this is where i start.

it is halloween, and i'm sick. (thank you suppressed immune system) EDs come with glorious side-effects, don't they? it's not something i'm proud of, always being the sick kid. but, i'm gaining weight and gaining confidence in strides, and i plan on taking the rest of my senior year in high school to prepare to set the world on fire next year in college. GO WOLFPACK! :)

that's me, a couple months ago...happy and healthy. current weight:115.

so, that's my life story in a nutshell peeps. any feedback would be loverly. ciao bella :)

a new beginning

after spending many hours of my day reading others' blogs, i decided it was about time i start my own. after stumbling across pbandjenny's blog, i learned that maybe blogging about my journey recovering from and ED could be a vital step in ultimately moving on from it. so, without further ado, ciao bella :)