Saturday, October 31, 2009

laaaaazy daiye.

yeahh so i have a slight obsession with zoolander.

soo my halloween went down the drain this year, thank you seasonal flu. i drive all the way up to raleigh so my boo and i could go to a party as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. yeah, you're jealous. unfortunately, there was a peanut butter recall, and i was unable to attend :( the end result was me, sitting at home on the couch complete with laptop in hand and college football on the television. did i mention i LOVE the Michigan Wolverines. GO BLUE! not to mention the N.C. State Wolfpack and the Pittsburgh Steelers. i live such a complicated life...

i guess my sickness/laziness led me to blog surf all day, which led me to create this blog. for the past couple years, i battled with an eating disorder. at first, like many other things, it started out innocently. i was an avid runner and a forward on my high school's varsity soccer team. at 13o pounds and 5'7'', i was a healthy and active fifteen-year-old. it began by coming home every night after soccer and running thirty minutes on the treadmill. slowly, this turned into the 30 minute cardio session, plus an ab workout, squats, andd pretty much anything else i could do to torch some calories. not to mention this was all after soccer practices and games. oh, and add no dinner to that, a turkey sandwich with mustard for lunch, and fat-free 100 calorie yogurts for breakfast? yeah, it wasn't pretty. losing my period was the first give-away. my mom took me to doctors who told me to gain weight. i denied any eating problems, and protested that i was just looking my "baby weight." i was even taken to a nutritionist, despite my claims of normal eating habits, and i was placed on a 2500 calorie diet. it took me awhile to work up to this, but i ACTUALLY DID IT. after gaining about 5 pounds, i seemed to have hit a standstill, and i stopped. it wasn't making my period come back, so why continue? i went back to my anorexic ways, and kept losing more weight. for months on end, i continued to deny anything was wrong. i was moody, emotional, period-less, and fragile. i looked a mess. but something inside me told me i could look "better," if i just could eat less fat. so, my fat intake DRASTICALLY increased. i mean, 2g of fat scared me. it was like, if i ate it, there would be instantaneous 50 pounds added to my thighs. so down went my body fat, to around six percent. months went on, same old same old, yadayadayada...i'll spare you my ups and downs. somewhere around april 2009, i finally broke down and confessed my oh-so-obviously eating disorder. that same month, i had to have TMJ surgery, and couldn't eat much at all for about two weeks. needless to say, i lost even more weight. i was taken to duke's eating disorder program, where i attended weekly therapy sessions all summer long. it took a long time, but i am, FOR THE MOST PART, recovered. i know they say you can never fully recover from and ED, but I am making it my mission to prove them wrong. i still go to duke once a month for check-ups and weigh-ins to monitor my progess, and to catch any regression before it gets too bad. i'm so thankful for everyone in my life who has supported me though this, and i'm sorry for hurting everyone i love along the way. but i have the rest of my life to make it up to them, and MYSELF, for missing out on some of the best times of my life. and this is where i start.

it is halloween, and i'm sick. (thank you suppressed immune system) EDs come with glorious side-effects, don't they? it's not something i'm proud of, always being the sick kid. but, i'm gaining weight and gaining confidence in strides, and i plan on taking the rest of my senior year in high school to prepare to set the world on fire next year in college. GO WOLFPACK! :)

that's me, a couple months ago...happy and healthy. current weight:115.

so, that's my life story in a nutshell peeps. any feedback would be loverly. ciao bella :)

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