medical cocktails.

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I HATEEEEEEEEE MEDICINE. i'm done with it. the combination i began taking when my ED started made me the way i was, and now they put me on it again?! i can feel myself reverting back to my old ways...emotionally at least. and the sickness. i just don't feel like myself. and i'm beginning to stop myself when i reach for something i "shouldn't be eating." how could all of this happen in about two days?! just a couple of days ago i wanted to wear a shirt that said "I'M AT MY HEALTHY WEIGHT...WHAT NOW BEEOTCHH!?" now i'm just feeling depressed. mom looked it up on the internet, and apparently this concoction of medicines has shown to have badd side-effects. thank you brilliant doctors. thankfully, i have my monthly doctor's appointment tomorrow at duke, and maybe they can shed some light on my situation.

sorry for my tirade. \

"Go within everyday and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out." - Katherine Dunham

so this could be a long or short rant, i really don't know yet...but here it goes...

so lately, i've been KILLLLLLLLLLLLIN' ED...i mean kicking major butt. i've gained a lot of weight, and i finally have a healthy bmi. i ate my heart out at thanksgiving, and i have been eating a lot more in general these days. not just "healthy" foods, but whatever i'm craving at the time. i look at myself in the mirror and love myself...i'm getting my booty back!! i'm finally starting to fill out a woman's body that i have missed for so long (except the boobs, i'm cool with mine, or lack thereof.) not to mention all of the positive attention i have been getting from everyone...my mom and dad are so proud, but my dad was still pushing me to gain more, and my boyfriend is finally able to have a real relationship with his girlfriend. stupid me, depriving him of that for so long...ED can be a very selfish thing. but anyways, today i came home sick from school. i just started my second round of medicine, and i think it makes me sick. i have a fever too though, so who knows. but i came home and slept until 1, and probably would have slept later, but jeff called and woke me up. i'm glad he did though, i might have slept the day away.

getting to the point of this story, ED thoughts were creepin' back today. truly and honestly, i have been COMPLETELY FREE for the past few weeks, and i was fine today until it was brought up twice...maybe it was triggering, i don't know.

first, when jeff called, he said he was worried about me because the last time i was sick and mopey all the time, i was hiding ED from everybody. don't get me wrong, he has EVERY RIGHT to question this, because i told him some time ago to watch out for the warning signs of relapsing. i wasn't mad at him by any means, but i was aggravated that simply not feeling well translates into ED for everyone because of my past...

second, i was irritated that i wasn't feeling well, and since i've been a little moody, i told mom i hated my medicine, and i wanted off of it. her response? "you don't want off your medicine because it makes you feel bad and irritable. you just don't like it because it makes you eat a lot, and you think you'll get fat." eek. WRONG THING TO SAY MOM. i mean, seriously...maybe people just don't understand unless you have been there and done that. i just think sometimes things slip out of people's mouths and they don't realize the effect that it has on that person. a week ago or so, my dad jokingly told me i was getting fat because my old jeans were ripping at the button (they have always been that way.) to make it worse, jeff was sitting right there, knowing it upset me.

thankfully, i'm strong enough now to fight these ED thoughts. i didn't eat much of a dinner because i still don't feel all the great, but i made some awesome cookies earlier because i was tired of sitting around...link to them -->here<-- i was laying here on the couch, not particularly hungry, but i kind of wanted one, even though i had had one earlier with "dinner." something odd happened though, and a familiar little voice told me that it wasn't ok, and that i have been sitting around all day and didn't deserve it. i was furious. i worked so hard to make that go away, and with all the talk about it recently, i've found her creeping back into my brain, and i'm fighting it to go away tonight. i did eat that cookie, and i'm fighting my ED thoughts away. i'm not worried about relapsing by any means, but it's just annoying that little things like today just bring up demons that you thought you had destroyed. no worries though, they will be taken care of, without violence of course ;)

moral of the story, PLEASEEEEEE watch what you say to others, and think about the impact the words you are saying will have on the person you are talking to. and jeff, if you read this, this doesn't apply to you! promise love :)

now, i'm going to focus on my future dreams of becoming that happy, plump lady that bakes the most delectable goods for everybody, and brings joy to all :)

buttah anybody?

ok, hopefully i will have developed some tolerance to dary products. until then, maybe i'll make myself a back up plan of non-dairy goods.

me being the non-dairy baking fool i am. i obviously chose the most flattering picture of myself...

i jest, i jest. that was soon slathered with cream cheese. a big no-no in my book...but it was for a very special person's wedding, so it was a-ok :)

alright, i think it's time to shower and sit on my booty some moreeeee! i NEED to go to school tomorrow, before i fail my senior year on days.

i'll leave whoever happens to stumble upon this with one of my favorite quotes...

"I must learn to love the fool in me — the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility and dignity but for my fool."
~ Dr Theodore I Rubin

muchh love,

lindsey

happy turkey day! oh, and my birthday...

it'ssss thanksgiving! and i'm thankful for a lot of things...

my wonderrrrrrrful boyfriend who i couldn't live without :), my family, my friends, my life in general, and the fact that this thanksgiving was a complete turn-around from last year.

last year this time, no one knew about my eating disorder...i slid threw thanksgiving because we weren't home and we got to eat out at a ski resort. christmas on the other hand, was a different story...i wouldn't eat anything that was served. i made my own turkey sandwich from my fat-free turkey and mustard on a roll and a salad with more fat-free dressing. i also made sure to have my calorie-free drink on hand. i had to admit, i was getting a little nervous about this year. i know i have gained so much in the past year, confidence AND weight, but that little part of me was getting anxious because of that pressure of family and food all put together. i mean, i guess they know about my past, but i'm not sure if they fully grasp it. and at this point, i'm not sure it even matters. however, they do know that i have a bit of a lactose issue. thankfully, they we're more than understanding and used my earth balance spread in most of the dishes that had yet to be prepared. anddddd i must say everything was delicious! and i had NO WORRIES ABOUT ANYTHING I ATE. i don't think anyone understands how liberating that is unless you have been there yourself. i even had dessert with my breakfast too ;) a had my cereal and a banana...but then i may or may not have snuck a bowl of ambrosia bwahahaha.

i think we ate around 1:30...i may not have had the fullest plate, but i know that my mom, dad, and myself were so proud of me...i loaded upp :)

turkey, stuffing, ketchup (of course), cranberry jelly, and SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE. i had extra of that :)

that plate is also extra huge, so it looks like i had smaller portions than i actually did. a nap followed shortly after...

i managed to escape all dairy products until around 4:00 when i basically had a pumpkin thing shoved in my mouth. i was so mad...i really have a hard time avoiding dairy products, and i was happy that i was making it through the day, minus sickness. i felt better an hour later anyways after somee things occurred. tmi? sorry :) but it's thanksgiving, so i just moved on. it was better than last weekend anyways...

I WENT TO THE BIG HOUSE!!!

i have no shame in my love. and for my dad too, of course!

tailgating
oh yeah, it was my 17th birthday :)

in awe

is it bad that i forgot it was my birthday? i guess 17 just isn't a big deal to me. but i had my share of cake and ice cream...let's just end it there. but that is my weakness, and i NEVER get blue moon ice cream, so when it's available, i indulge. it's definitely a regional thing. if anyone has ever tried it, they understand :)

i have a weird family...

for my birthday dinner, i wanted to have a fancy pants meal, so we went to a place in downtown ann arbor called the gandy dancer. it was soo good. i couldn't believe how expensive it was though.

all in all, the past couple of weeks have been great...i can't wait until christmas now!

ciaoooooo bella!

and jeff, stop making fun of me :))

more pounds and more giveaways...

first off, chocolate covered katie is giving away even moreeeeeeeeeee chocolate and i want some :) here's her big fat chocolate giveaway. yummy...

so, i started taking a new medicine that has gone pretty well so far...the side effects aren't nearly as bad as my last go-around with it. but there is one thing that is kind of getting on my nerves...

I HAVE THE APPETITE OF A TEENAGE BOY.

i can't stop eating...seriously. you would think that, with me trying to gain weight, it would be a good thing. maybe it is, i don't know. i mean, i guess the rapid weight gain isn't bothering me that much, but it's just a different feeling to me, and i'm not sure what to think about it. however, i refuse to let ED come back now and tell me that i need to not listen to my new-found appetite. obviously, my body is telling me to eat more, and i'm going to honor my body by doing so, even if i get a little bit of a buddha belly.

maybe i'll get some of that wisdom along with it...?

i know this is a good thing, i really do. but i guess i still have control issues that problably caused ED in the first place, but i'm strong enough now to know that i can't let them get the best of me again.

i don't think it's the gaining weight that's bothering me...i think it's that an outside source is the cause of it, and i'm not doing it ON MY OWN.

i decided that i'm going to use this as a tool in my recovery though. it's a good exercise in letting go of my control needs, and just rolling with the punches that life throws at me.

and if i end up with that buddha belly, so be it. it's just another part of my healthy body that i will love :)

ciao bella :)

free stuff? i could get used to this.

dadaada...i want a magic bullet please :)

check out chocolate-covered katie's operation chocolate-covered kindness please, it's a great and easy way to help other people!

here's the link to the giveaway...click here

to my favorite person in the entire world...

jeff: if you're reading this, this one's for you...

first of all, i never told you about this blog because i feel weak. i wanted you to see me as a stong person, somekind of superhero that could beat this all on her own. i was wrong, and i apologize.

you are my hero for everything you have done for me. for almost half of our time together, i have been in a constant struggle with myself, whether you knew it at the time or not. i'm pretty sure you could see through my lies...

i don't remember the exact day i actually came out and told you that i had an eating disorder, but i know it still hurts today, and i'm sure you still feel it too. you were always there during my constant ups and downs, holding my hand through it all. even when we decided to try to let me fix things on my own, knowing i was on your mind helped me get through the day. i still can't believe that you are still here today, by my side. you never fail to make me question my unconditional love for you...your laugh, your smile, your jokes...i need that in my life. YOU are MY sunshine...

this weekend meant a lot for me. yes, i am "recovered" from my disorder for the most part; however, those emtotions still run deep through me and hurt me every single second of the day. i still have disordered thoughts, but i need you to know that i am strong enough now to ignore them. especially when i am with you. when you're by my side, i let my inhibitions go, and i live life. you might not see that on the outside yet, but my inside is soaking up life.

you know me, and how i tend to cover up my feelings until they are intolerable. for this, i'm sorry. i'm strong as hell, but i am not strong enough to completely confront this monster on my own. my breakdown this weekend lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders, but unfortunately, it landed right on top of yours. it also showed me that sometimes you have to make yourself vulnerable first in order to regain your strength. i'm sorry you had to hear all of that, and i know it hurts you, but you needed to hear what an ED really does to you, physically AND mentally. and i needed to let some of it go...

so basically, all i wanted to say was:

thank you.

really, i don't think i will ever be able to express how grateful i am for you. you have, and always will be, my one and only beeotch :)

i love you mosterosterosterosterosterosterosterest!

ciao bella =]]

wanted: recipe for weight gain.

Hey all. I had my monthly check-up and Duke today, and overall, it was a pretty good visit. We talked about my food intake and how i'm feeling about it, and they are proud of my progress! Unfortunately, i've managed to lose weight since my last check-up. I still have NO idea how because I eat so much before i go to bed every night...maybe i'm not doing this right...PLEASEE I NEED SUGGESTIONS FOR HEALTHY WEIGHT GAIN!! apparently, i'm going about it wrong :(

on a funnier note, my nose IS broken and i have a concussion. woo!! at least it doesn't look too bad. my boyfriend won't shut up about it though. apparently headbutting a chair and knocking yourself out wasn't one of my best moments :)

i went jean shopping for the first time since my weight loss/weight gaining process...i'm so excited that i finally got some jeans that aren't so baggy. i'm so tired of hiding my body under huge clothes! i am proud of my body, and i'm a beautiful girl...i've come to realize that there is no need to hide myself anymore, because i'm better than that. ED will not keep me from being classssssay :) so, i made a promise to myself that i would only wear those clothes when i'm just feeling like dressing down, and NOT because i don't want to be told "you're too skinny" all day and have to defend myself. helllo skinny jeans :)

mmmm....i smell food...



breakfast=captain crunch+lactaid+banana+diet vernors







ahh vernors...it brings back a lot of childhood memories. i was born in michigan, and this is, by-far, the most popular drink in my hometown. i don't exactly know what makes it so much better than other ginger ales, but its like liquid awesomeness.

[maybe the claim that it's barrel-aged for lie 3 years is actually working :)]

lunch was just some of my grandmother's homemade vegetable soup and beef jerkey...
is that really gross to you? everyone thinks i'm crazy for liking it...

for dinner, my mom and i met my boyfriend and his sister at a bar in raleigh. i had a dagwood sandwich (grilled ham, turkey, pepperoni, onions, and green peppers w/lettuce, tomato, and onion on a kaiser roll...no cheese or mayo) and onion rings slathered in ketchup.

lindsey to french fries:
"i'm gonna let you finish, but onion rings are the best side of all time, OF ALL TIME!"

when i got back home, i got a shower and such and facebook stalked...the norm. i think i'm going to go nom on a pb fiber one bar and some milk minus lactose. what's your favorite bedtime snack? :)

ciao bella!