happy turkey day! oh, and my birthday...

it'ssss thanksgiving! and i'm thankful for a lot of things...

my wonderrrrrrrful boyfriend who i couldn't live without :), my family, my friends, my life in general, and the fact that this thanksgiving was a complete turn-around from last year.

last year this time, no one knew about my eating disorder...i slid threw thanksgiving because we weren't home and we got to eat out at a ski resort. christmas on the other hand, was a different story...i wouldn't eat anything that was served. i made my own turkey sandwich from my fat-free turkey and mustard on a roll and a salad with more fat-free dressing. i also made sure to have my calorie-free drink on hand. i had to admit, i was getting a little nervous about this year. i know i have gained so much in the past year, confidence AND weight, but that little part of me was getting anxious because of that pressure of family and food all put together. i mean, i guess they know about my past, but i'm not sure if they fully grasp it. and at this point, i'm not sure it even matters. however, they do know that i have a bit of a lactose issue. thankfully, they we're more than understanding and used my earth balance spread in most of the dishes that had yet to be prepared. anddddd i must say everything was delicious! and i had NO WORRIES ABOUT ANYTHING I ATE. i don't think anyone understands how liberating that is unless you have been there yourself. i even had dessert with my breakfast too ;) a had my cereal and a banana...but then i may or may not have snuck a bowl of ambrosia bwahahaha.

i think we ate around 1:30...i may not have had the fullest plate, but i know that my mom, dad, and myself were so proud of me...i loaded upp :)

turkey, stuffing, ketchup (of course), cranberry jelly, and SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE. i had extra of that :)

that plate is also extra huge, so it looks like i had smaller portions than i actually did. a nap followed shortly after...

i managed to escape all dairy products until around 4:00 when i basically had a pumpkin thing shoved in my mouth. i was so mad...i really have a hard time avoiding dairy products, and i was happy that i was making it through the day, minus sickness. i felt better an hour later anyways after somee things occurred. tmi? sorry :) but it's thanksgiving, so i just moved on. it was better than last weekend anyways...

I WENT TO THE BIG HOUSE!!!

i have no shame in my love. and for my dad too, of course!

tailgating
oh yeah, it was my 17th birthday :)

in awe

is it bad that i forgot it was my birthday? i guess 17 just isn't a big deal to me. but i had my share of cake and ice cream...let's just end it there. but that is my weakness, and i NEVER get blue moon ice cream, so when it's available, i indulge. it's definitely a regional thing. if anyone has ever tried it, they understand :)

i have a weird family...

for my birthday dinner, i wanted to have a fancy pants meal, so we went to a place in downtown ann arbor called the gandy dancer. it was soo good. i couldn't believe how expensive it was though.

all in all, the past couple of weeks have been great...i can't wait until christmas now!

ciaoooooo bella!

and jeff, stop making fun of me :))

more pounds and more giveaways...

first off, chocolate covered katie is giving away even moreeeeeeeeeee chocolate and i want some :) here's her big fat chocolate giveaway. yummy...

so, i started taking a new medicine that has gone pretty well so far...the side effects aren't nearly as bad as my last go-around with it. but there is one thing that is kind of getting on my nerves...

I HAVE THE APPETITE OF A TEENAGE BOY.

i can't stop eating...seriously. you would think that, with me trying to gain weight, it would be a good thing. maybe it is, i don't know. i mean, i guess the rapid weight gain isn't bothering me that much, but it's just a different feeling to me, and i'm not sure what to think about it. however, i refuse to let ED come back now and tell me that i need to not listen to my new-found appetite. obviously, my body is telling me to eat more, and i'm going to honor my body by doing so, even if i get a little bit of a buddha belly.

maybe i'll get some of that wisdom along with it...?

i know this is a good thing, i really do. but i guess i still have control issues that problably caused ED in the first place, but i'm strong enough now to know that i can't let them get the best of me again.

i don't think it's the gaining weight that's bothering me...i think it's that an outside source is the cause of it, and i'm not doing it ON MY OWN.

i decided that i'm going to use this as a tool in my recovery though. it's a good exercise in letting go of my control needs, and just rolling with the punches that life throws at me.

and if i end up with that buddha belly, so be it. it's just another part of my healthy body that i will love :)

ciao bella :)

free stuff? i could get used to this.

dadaada...i want a magic bullet please :)

check out chocolate-covered katie's operation chocolate-covered kindness please, it's a great and easy way to help other people!

here's the link to the giveaway...click here

to my favorite person in the entire world...

jeff: if you're reading this, this one's for you...

first of all, i never told you about this blog because i feel weak. i wanted you to see me as a stong person, somekind of superhero that could beat this all on her own. i was wrong, and i apologize.

you are my hero for everything you have done for me. for almost half of our time together, i have been in a constant struggle with myself, whether you knew it at the time or not. i'm pretty sure you could see through my lies...

i don't remember the exact day i actually came out and told you that i had an eating disorder, but i know it still hurts today, and i'm sure you still feel it too. you were always there during my constant ups and downs, holding my hand through it all. even when we decided to try to let me fix things on my own, knowing i was on your mind helped me get through the day. i still can't believe that you are still here today, by my side. you never fail to make me question my unconditional love for you...your laugh, your smile, your jokes...i need that in my life. YOU are MY sunshine...

this weekend meant a lot for me. yes, i am "recovered" from my disorder for the most part; however, those emtotions still run deep through me and hurt me every single second of the day. i still have disordered thoughts, but i need you to know that i am strong enough now to ignore them. especially when i am with you. when you're by my side, i let my inhibitions go, and i live life. you might not see that on the outside yet, but my inside is soaking up life.

you know me, and how i tend to cover up my feelings until they are intolerable. for this, i'm sorry. i'm strong as hell, but i am not strong enough to completely confront this monster on my own. my breakdown this weekend lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders, but unfortunately, it landed right on top of yours. it also showed me that sometimes you have to make yourself vulnerable first in order to regain your strength. i'm sorry you had to hear all of that, and i know it hurts you, but you needed to hear what an ED really does to you, physically AND mentally. and i needed to let some of it go...

so basically, all i wanted to say was:

thank you.

really, i don't think i will ever be able to express how grateful i am for you. you have, and always will be, my one and only beeotch :)

i love you mosterosterosterosterosterosterosterest!

ciao bella =]]

wanted: recipe for weight gain.

Hey all. I had my monthly check-up and Duke today, and overall, it was a pretty good visit. We talked about my food intake and how i'm feeling about it, and they are proud of my progress! Unfortunately, i've managed to lose weight since my last check-up. I still have NO idea how because I eat so much before i go to bed every night...maybe i'm not doing this right...PLEASEE I NEED SUGGESTIONS FOR HEALTHY WEIGHT GAIN!! apparently, i'm going about it wrong :(

on a funnier note, my nose IS broken and i have a concussion. woo!! at least it doesn't look too bad. my boyfriend won't shut up about it though. apparently headbutting a chair and knocking yourself out wasn't one of my best moments :)

i went jean shopping for the first time since my weight loss/weight gaining process...i'm so excited that i finally got some jeans that aren't so baggy. i'm so tired of hiding my body under huge clothes! i am proud of my body, and i'm a beautiful girl...i've come to realize that there is no need to hide myself anymore, because i'm better than that. ED will not keep me from being classssssay :) so, i made a promise to myself that i would only wear those clothes when i'm just feeling like dressing down, and NOT because i don't want to be told "you're too skinny" all day and have to defend myself. helllo skinny jeans :)

mmmm....i smell food...



breakfast=captain crunch+lactaid+banana+diet vernors







ahh vernors...it brings back a lot of childhood memories. i was born in michigan, and this is, by-far, the most popular drink in my hometown. i don't exactly know what makes it so much better than other ginger ales, but its like liquid awesomeness.

[maybe the claim that it's barrel-aged for lie 3 years is actually working :)]

lunch was just some of my grandmother's homemade vegetable soup and beef jerkey...
is that really gross to you? everyone thinks i'm crazy for liking it...

for dinner, my mom and i met my boyfriend and his sister at a bar in raleigh. i had a dagwood sandwich (grilled ham, turkey, pepperoni, onions, and green peppers w/lettuce, tomato, and onion on a kaiser roll...no cheese or mayo) and onion rings slathered in ketchup.

lindsey to french fries:
"i'm gonna let you finish, but onion rings are the best side of all time, OF ALL TIME!"

when i got back home, i got a shower and such and facebook stalked...the norm. i think i'm going to go nom on a pb fiber one bar and some milk minus lactose. what's your favorite bedtime snack? :)

ciao bella!

nasal fracture?

Last night this morning was quite interesting. i quite possibly have a broken nose, thank you random chair in the closet. maybe i'm just accident-prone, but the incident went a little something like this:

1 o' clock in the morning+freezing cold+no blanket=needs a blanket.
in order to get said blanket:
i stumbled off the couch and felt my way to the closet, where the blanket it ALWAYS on the floor.
however!
pitch black+stumbling, sleepy confusion=accident waiting to happen

i proceeded to open the closet door and reach down for the blanket, only to be met by a monstrous wooden chair. dum dum dummmmmmmm.

next thing i know, i was flat on my back with a possibly broken nose.
scary right? could happen to anyone!
moral of the story: watch out for those chairs, cause they'll getcha.

anyway, here are some pictures...i'm actually already healed up alot. i'm just good like that :)

only slightly bruised, little crooked. no biggy :)

shit happens.
BACK TO FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

so, i started my lovely monday morning with a bowl of special k protein with a sliced nanner on top...

actually, i had this plus another bowl of just the cereal. i was a hungrayy gurl.



no lactose for me, pwease.

lunch was just my leftovers from din-din last night...rotini with sauce, beef, corn, parsley, and red peppa flakes :) nom nom nom...

let's see...not much excited happeneddd today. i got kinda nauseated at the end of the school day, but a diet mt. dew seemed to make me happier :) i also made a wally world trip!! i swear i'm there every single day. but this time, i had to get things for my medical science class because we start out clinicals tomorrow! i have a doctor's appointment at duke, so my first day will be wednesday. i'll be shadowing a physical therapist some days, and other days i'll be with a dietician. woot woot!

let's see...dinnnnnner time! twas simple because no one was home...

from left->right...craka's with salsa, baby greens salad mix with strawburry vinagrette and FRESH TOMATOS!, and my stand-by/never-gets-old turkey sandwich on whole wheat.

i have never had fresh tomatos before! they actually do taste so much better...



the quintessential sandwich.

after dinner, i had a chocolate salt-water taffy. delicious, of course. i'm sure that i'll have something else before bed, like i always do, but i really need to finish my wuthering heights paper...oh the joys of ap literature and composition...

goodnight all...ciao bella :)

for the third time today...

third blog of the day...i know i'm lame.

BUT! i'm having the most delicious 10:40 snack a girl can have: a fitnessista bf cookie! i decided to make one yesterday for the first time...holy yummmmmmmmmmm.

maybe i'm getting better at this picture thing? or maybe it just looks as good as it twasss.

(discovery of digital macro?)

-1/3 cup oats
-1/8 cup lactaid
-1 tbsp pb&co. dark chocolate pb :)
-1 tsp. sweetener
-lotssssssa cinnamon.

it was awesome.