an apple a day?

i just felt like posting this breakfast i'm eating. it's so gooddddddddddddddddddd gah :)

apple cider oats?

-1/3 c oats
-1 cups water (cook in apple cider tea flavored water. i used bigalow's apple cider tea.)
-1 small chopped apple
-maple syrup
-spoonful of pumpkin
-teaspoon of vanilla
-cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger
-drizzle of peanut butter

cook the oats in 1 cup water over medium heat. it won't look thick at all, but add chopped apple, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, pumpkin, and maple syrup. cook until it thickens up some, but it will still look a little runny. refrigerate overnight, heat up in the morning, and drizzle peanut butter over it. i'm in heaven :)

have a wonderful day all!

ciao bella :)

"The rose is fairest when 'tis budding new, and hope is brightest when it dawns from fears." -Walter Scott

tonight was lovely :) i went out to eat with jeff, but halfway there he told me he left his wallet at home, so we had to turn around. little did i know, he was surprising me with a visit to my one and only/favorite "niece!" i love ruby so much, and she was extra cute tonight. after spending lots of time there getting quality ruby time, we went to eat at ham's. i think it is more of a local restaurant, but i think it of sort of like applebee's. it's got a little bit of everything. i wasn't overly hungry, so i ordered the grilled chicken salad, minus the cheese, with balsamic vinaigrette. it wass really good. i guess i have a thing for simple dishes :) the reason i wasn't too hungry might have had something to do with the fact that i finished off a jar of peanut butter with my yogurt snack an hour beforehand...:)

after food, we headed to target to find some christmas items for the boy i "adopted" for my HOSA (health occupation students of america) project. we spent way too much time screwing around in there...i wish i had pictures but they are on my phone! i really need to start using my camera more often. after an hour or so, we managed to come out with a pair of pants, a winter coat, two shirts, and a medium-sized toy car. unfortunately, i had to drop him off at his house after that and come home...boo.

so i think i'm menopausal. i'm having a MAJOR hotflash at the moment. as in it just came on as i'm typing this. and i'm sweating...this girl is NOT used to being hot. i'm usually cold, so i'm not sure what to do about this :) anyways...

today was another reminder of how far i have come since this time last year. this time last year, my max fat intake was upwards of 10g. i probably had 4x that just in peanut butter alone today. fat is such a beautiful thing. pretend that doesn't sound ridiculous. people are so scared of it because they think it will make them fat, but it only will if you eat too much of it just like anything else: carbs, protein, even vegetables! it's all about balance and moderation, and of course, the right fats. fats do so many great things for you! the list goes on and on, but here are a few things:

1. regulates body functions
2. absorbs fat soluble vitamins D, E, and K
3. growth
4. healthy skin
5. satiety value is high (keeps you fuller longer)
   
6. it satisfies you
7. your heart and brain need it to function!
8. helps memory

eating such little fat for that long period of time did horrible things to my body and mind! some examples would be:

1. memory loss
2. hair loss
3. dry skin
4. irritability and anger
5. stress and anxiety
6. zero energy
7. pale complexion (more than my usual)

i also had troubles sleeping, but i'm not sure if that connection is there. the point is that fat is an important part of your diet, and it's not something to avoid. i'm sick of hearing about low-fat this low-carb this. it's not about depriving yourself of ANY nutrient. to have optimal function, your body has to have a balance of everything it needs!

rant over :)

but today, i ate a lot of healthy fats. tons of peanut butter, bread with seeds in it, full fat "cheese", balsamic vinaigrette, and crushed pecans on an apple crisp (if you want to call that healthy) :) it amazes me what i can do every single day. my life is so much better now that food is not my life. i mean, obviously i still love it! i don't think that will ever go away. the point is that i love it in a positive way. i don't see food as a negative thing, or something to be scared of and stress over. food=fuel. and tasty fuel at that.

well, i'm off to bed hopefully. or maybe i'll actually do my poetry explication tonight. we'll see how it goes.

ciao bella :)

"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." - Rita Mae Brown

i really don't have that much to talk about, but i just feel like i should post something again. i guess not too much has been going on...

EXCEPT THE RISE AGAINST CONCERT!!?!?!?!

it was the most fun thing i can remember doing in a long time. i guess jumping up and down and screaming at the top of your lungs for 3 hours makes you happy :) not to mention, it was my birthday present from jeff! thankssssssssss jeffrey :) unfortunately, all of my pictures are on my phone. but here is the band for shits and giggles...

it also snowed this weekend! but it was only in richmond where the concert was, so it wasn't here when i got back home :(

i also was informed that i will have TWO more "nieces and/or nephews" next summer! two of jeff's sisters are preggo and i'm excited beyond words!! though i love ruby (jeff's niece) very much, i can't wait for even more bebes :))

this week has also been good for ED...i really haven't been concerned about food at all or had man bad thoughts. i have had extremely bad stomach pains for the past two days though. i had to leave calculus yesterday so i could cry it hurt so bad. the doctors just said i have IBS, and i've eliminated dairy from my diet, but i think something else is bothering me too. i told my mom that i can't deal with that kind of pain. so we'll see what happens with that...but i did break down a little saturday night, but it wasn't because i'm upset about my weight or anything. honestly, i'm scared about this new life that i am coming into minus ED. it's like my life has been split into parts: pre-ED, ED, and post-ED. i'm not trying to say at all that i'm hanging onto ED, but it takes a lot of courage to move on into the unknown without that crutch. i don't know what's going to happen with my life, but i'm ready to find out. i know it is intimidating, but a few years from now, i'll be out of college or in grad school, having a wonderful life. because of this, i've decided that i'm going to live in the moment, and brave out these first few steps into "normalcy." God never gives you anything you can't handle, and everything happens for a reason. for some reason, this happened to me, and i'm going to take it and learn from it. i will have a happy life, and i will have a family some day. period. :) [no pun intended]

on the topic of food, i've pretty much been living off of a few items that i can't seem to get enough of:

• apples (preferably gala or braeburn) doused in cinnamon and dipped in better than peanut butter...yes i know it's "diet peanut butter", but regular peanut butter is just too rich for me to dip in enormous amounts at one time. i still use regular pb in everything else. skippy's natural all the way :)
• oiko's 0% vanilla greek yogurt mixed with pumpkin, maple syrup, cinnamon, dashes of nutmeg and ginger, and whatever topping i feel like (peanut butter, dark chocolate chips, or kashi go lean cereal for crunch)
• tribe roasted red pepper hummus slathered on la tortilla wraps with cucumer, shredded carrots, and spinach. sometimes turkey or a morning star veggie burger added in for protein.
  
• copious amounts of hot tea :) most likely to be found in my mug-green tea, gingerbread spice, rooibos, and harney & son's hot cinnamon spice, aka the best drink to grace my mouth. seriously, if you love someone, buy them this stuff today.

ok so i just realized i have a serious cinnamon addiction i might need to get checked out...i literally put it almost in everything i eatt :)

anyways, it's time to bury my face in some poetry and explicate it in the form of a two page paper!! it's almost as exciting as listening to tiger woods drama on the news. no joke.

so for now......

ciao bella :)

when life gives you lemons...

make lemon pie, duh.

i knew it was going to be a good day when i woke up late and STILL did not freak out :) i hate mornings, so that was a definite good sign. school even went well today. i was happy and social with people, and i found my calculus test to be quite easy. thank ya jesus. better yet, i only have to go to one class tomorrow because i have a field trip for ap lit and comp to help out with the special olympics! and as soon as that is over, my butt is jetting to raleigh to meet up with jeffrey so we can head up to virginia for the rise against concert! i'm so excited...it's his birthday present to me :) they aren't exactly the most popular band, but they are actually really good and have good causes.

when i went to duke tuesday, the doctor also told me i actually HAD to exercise at least 3 days a week. it was funny to hear that! since my weight is in the "healthy" range now, and i've shown i can keep it up, i've got the ok to work out some to keep myself happier and healthier.

soo today i decided to take myself to the gym and actually do it. i did 30 minutes of strength training, full circuit. then i did 30 minutes of "cardio" if you want to call it that. regardless, it felt GREAT. i'm not in the best of shape, but just letting go of that stress felt amazing. i went to yoga later that night. it was really fun because i was the only one there! we did amazingg stretches you can't normally do in a class full of people and talked for a long time about me playing soccer and things.

i haven't felt so relaxed and refreshed in such a long time. to go from basically completely sedentary to working out gives you such a high on life almost. i guess they call that the runners high or something :) but today really reminded me of why i need to keep this up, and more importantly, want to keep this up. the list could go on forever, but here are just a few things that have come from a healthy lifestyle:

1. happiness
2. energy
3. less stress and anxiety
   
4. better eh...physiological functions
5. better complexion
6. my clothes fit
7. my hair is growing and not falling out
8. people don't make comments about me being sick
9. no one is worried about my heart rate or blood pressure
10. my blood sugar is normal (mostly)
    
11. less drama with my family
12. AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND :)
13. i just feel better. period.

always remember that no matter what ED tells you, you are better off without it. you weren't born with it, and you don't need it! when it gets you down, remember how wonderful your life was pre-ED and think about your future. it really puts things into perspective.

for now, i'm going to continue living my life and enjoy my weekend with my boyfraand.

ciao bella :)

"And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." - Erica Jong

so duke went as well as could be expected. i always hate going there because they always make me feel so dumb. don't get me wrong, they are really nice and good doctors and all, but i mean...i know my body. apparently my random out-of-the blue complete meltdown had nothing to do with the fact that i JUST started my second round of medicine, which in the past, has done the EXACT SAME THING TO ME. i mean, i don't think it takes rocket science to put two and two together there, but i guess i'm not a doctor. regardless, my mother and i made the decision to just stop taking it. it wasn't something i HAD to be on, so it just wasn't worth it. i can't be having panic attacks and missing school all of the time. and they also told me that i have fibromyalgia. wtf? ok that makes sense.

on to real issues...

ED doesn't just damage your physical being, but your mental and social being as well. physically and mentally, i'm GREAT. however, i'm still lacking socially. i've never been one to throw myself into groups of people anyways, so getting back into the swing of things is especially hard for me. i was that kid who always had mom cover for me when i didn't want to sleep over at someone's house, and when i did go, i fell asleep first. i so desperately want a real friendship with someone, but it's so hard to just pick up and do right now. usually seniors in high school aren't exactly open to new relationships. to make it worse, the one person who i could call up anytime or walk down the street and hang out with has started dating a new guy. i was so happy for her, and it seemed like it was a positive thing. i even know the guy and he is really nice. unfortunately, he likes to smoke pot, and now she does too. every time i talk to her she pressures me to do it sometime with them, but i want nothing to do with it. and i'm not going to give into that just to have a friendship that obviously isn't going to go anywhere with everyone going to college next year. it's really frustrating living in such a small town, and everyone has their little groups they have been in for years. and i completely understand, because i've been there. no one wants to break out of their comfort zone and open up to anyone. no one wants that vulnerability and new obligation to a new person. it doesn't help that people just don't understand what i've been through, and some don't even know i had an ED; i was just the sick kid to them.

it was kind of ironic that, today in ap lit and comp, we were discussing a poem called The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot. its basically a story about a guy who had realized that his life had amounted to nothing because he had been pretending he was someone he wasn't by attending all of these fancy tea parties. he spends 2/3 of the poem debating whether or not to tell everyone that he isn't this person he comes off as being, to come out of his "comfort zone." in the end, he decides he was too afraid of the risk that nobody would like him anymore and kick him out. he calls himself worthless, and a fool...and there is nothing worse than being a fool and knowing it. he knows how the rest of his life is going to play out, but he is too afraid to change and do something about it. the last part says:

I do not think that they will sing to me.	125
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown	130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown. it's funny how life gives you signs sometimes...i don't want to end up like j alfred prufrock, too scared to live, too scared to take risks. that's no way to live your life...so from now on, i'm going to live. i'm going to be the old lindsey. i'm going to laugh, joke, and be there for people. i'm going to dance and sing. i want to soak in everything i can, before it's too late. after all, we only get one life, and i'm not going to die regretting the life i chose to live. jammin' forealz.

ciao bella :)

medical cocktails.

ga;lkjsdf;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I HATEEEEEEEEE MEDICINE. i'm done with it. the combination i began taking when my ED started made me the way i was, and now they put me on it again?! i can feel myself reverting back to my old ways...emotionally at least. and the sickness. i just don't feel like myself. and i'm beginning to stop myself when i reach for something i "shouldn't be eating." how could all of this happen in about two days?! just a couple of days ago i wanted to wear a shirt that said "I'M AT MY HEALTHY WEIGHT...WHAT NOW BEEOTCHH!?" now i'm just feeling depressed. mom looked it up on the internet, and apparently this concoction of medicines has shown to have badd side-effects. thank you brilliant doctors. thankfully, i have my monthly doctor's appointment tomorrow at duke, and maybe they can shed some light on my situation.

sorry for my tirade. \

"Go within everyday and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out." - Katherine Dunham

so this could be a long or short rant, i really don't know yet...but here it goes...

so lately, i've been KILLLLLLLLLLLLIN' ED...i mean kicking major butt. i've gained a lot of weight, and i finally have a healthy bmi. i ate my heart out at thanksgiving, and i have been eating a lot more in general these days. not just "healthy" foods, but whatever i'm craving at the time. i look at myself in the mirror and love myself...i'm getting my booty back!! i'm finally starting to fill out a woman's body that i have missed for so long (except the boobs, i'm cool with mine, or lack thereof.) not to mention all of the positive attention i have been getting from everyone...my mom and dad are so proud, but my dad was still pushing me to gain more, and my boyfriend is finally able to have a real relationship with his girlfriend. stupid me, depriving him of that for so long...ED can be a very selfish thing. but anyways, today i came home sick from school. i just started my second round of medicine, and i think it makes me sick. i have a fever too though, so who knows. but i came home and slept until 1, and probably would have slept later, but jeff called and woke me up. i'm glad he did though, i might have slept the day away.

getting to the point of this story, ED thoughts were creepin' back today. truly and honestly, i have been COMPLETELY FREE for the past few weeks, and i was fine today until it was brought up twice...maybe it was triggering, i don't know.

first, when jeff called, he said he was worried about me because the last time i was sick and mopey all the time, i was hiding ED from everybody. don't get me wrong, he has EVERY RIGHT to question this, because i told him some time ago to watch out for the warning signs of relapsing. i wasn't mad at him by any means, but i was aggravated that simply not feeling well translates into ED for everyone because of my past...

second, i was irritated that i wasn't feeling well, and since i've been a little moody, i told mom i hated my medicine, and i wanted off of it. her response? "you don't want off your medicine because it makes you feel bad and irritable. you just don't like it because it makes you eat a lot, and you think you'll get fat." eek. WRONG THING TO SAY MOM. i mean, seriously...maybe people just don't understand unless you have been there and done that. i just think sometimes things slip out of people's mouths and they don't realize the effect that it has on that person. a week ago or so, my dad jokingly told me i was getting fat because my old jeans were ripping at the button (they have always been that way.) to make it worse, jeff was sitting right there, knowing it upset me.

thankfully, i'm strong enough now to fight these ED thoughts. i didn't eat much of a dinner because i still don't feel all the great, but i made some awesome cookies earlier because i was tired of sitting around...link to them -->here<-- i was laying here on the couch, not particularly hungry, but i kind of wanted one, even though i had had one earlier with "dinner." something odd happened though, and a familiar little voice told me that it wasn't ok, and that i have been sitting around all day and didn't deserve it. i was furious. i worked so hard to make that go away, and with all the talk about it recently, i've found her creeping back into my brain, and i'm fighting it to go away tonight. i did eat that cookie, and i'm fighting my ED thoughts away. i'm not worried about relapsing by any means, but it's just annoying that little things like today just bring up demons that you thought you had destroyed. no worries though, they will be taken care of, without violence of course ;)

moral of the story, PLEASEEEEEE watch what you say to others, and think about the impact the words you are saying will have on the person you are talking to. and jeff, if you read this, this doesn't apply to you! promise love :)

now, i'm going to focus on my future dreams of becoming that happy, plump lady that bakes the most delectable goods for everybody, and brings joy to all :)

buttah anybody?

ok, hopefully i will have developed some tolerance to dary products. until then, maybe i'll make myself a back up plan of non-dairy goods.

me being the non-dairy baking fool i am. i obviously chose the most flattering picture of myself...

i jest, i jest. that was soon slathered with cream cheese. a big no-no in my book...but it was for a very special person's wedding, so it was a-ok :)

alright, i think it's time to shower and sit on my booty some moreeeee! i NEED to go to school tomorrow, before i fail my senior year on days.

i'll leave whoever happens to stumble upon this with one of my favorite quotes...

"I must learn to love the fool in me — the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility and dignity but for my fool."
~ Dr Theodore I Rubin

muchh love,

lindsey